the aftermath of a gaybar

I was a red dress in a net of black mesh and body hair, Jessica Rabbit lookalike. The dress.

Roger roger rabbit roger roger that, yes sir, ma’m. I am a fascist to myself

It was all so red and pink and dark and smelled of beer as thickly as gun smoke

I hate the smell of beer I hate the smell of beer I hated the smell of beer

The booze on the body festered. fetid . rotten. Before he died he was a dead thing

He drank like only he could. A horse by the river and a leadbelly liver

So much drinking I thought my face as red as a red light greenlight of my life

All my world was green in my poison eden

And this is all lights. Broadway. Broad shoulders. Fat fat fatty

Broad shouldered deer in headlights were my eyes

Rabbits rabbits at it like rabbits, they are

This isn’t sexual just bumping at the bar. Breasts and birds

I look where I’m going at My nose leading me

Twitching tweaking tweaker trash white trash

So white it was as all hell broke luce i hoped my hair black as nevermore

A long hair black in the unspotlight. Discount dye in a dollar bag

Nevermore am I going back home, to the library lounge combo

House of ushered out by the fear of the boys in blue

I’m a princess heir and the crowds erupt for me. There’s no daydream

The night is young! I am struck by fear and a beer bottle

And the memories came flooding back like baptismal booze

And I never felt nothing before tonite in my red dress

I ran like the coward over her, his, i am that i am

The stepfather’s body bloody bloody mother mary

To where the spotlight scattershot stopped

Like the rain at the end of a storm

The people sitting there like the apostles

Like deer in headlights looking at me

One in particular

A rabbit in a mirror

A white rabbit in a red dress

She looked like she’d had braces for too long too late as a kid

A razor in her eyes that’d weep platinum if you’d let them

She looked like me, more like my mother, grandmother

She was a witch in white and smattering of spandex

And a little smirk danced along the gum trees

To the gutter by the gay bar

And beneath her axehead nose

I dived into her arms

And cried like the rains weren’t comin again

And with a voice like leonard cohen and the red carpet rose baby

And just like my mother in a lullaby, she slipped in my ear

What i needed to hear (Baby needs her medicine)

‘First time here, princess? What’s your name? Not your parent’s, yours’

I had no name I left it in the bedroom with the comics and the drawer unopened

Maybe I left it there or it was like nirvana i knew nothing but i weren’t ready

I bet she could feel my stubble on her shoulder, my craggy face

Cliffs and rapid waters, like the one where mittens chased birds, free as entry tickets

I mewled in her arms and told her all my secrets without a word or lie

She called me a kitten and she spoke like a tiger

It was a name to tide me over, to keep and throw away

She’d never do that to me. It was an ugly downtown

The night was but moonlight

And her pretty face shone on mine. She was like the grandmother of mother mary

I felt like jesus

I wish i hadn’t his face and his eyes and his mind and his cross to bear

Treat every man as an equal said he, i wanna be his woman

And I cried until the sunrise made its teethmarks on the city streets

i held out my tongue to the evening drizzle and lick my index finger

like i was turning the page of a storybook. i thought this didn't happen anymore

as tears ran down my smile meeting hers

i rubbed it on the spot where the billyclub broke the skin and the bleeding stopped

and said magic words wonders work miracles happen. just like she taught me

please oh please. please. you'll be alright

i thought of calling someone. not the cops. someone. ambulance 000 emergency

i hadn't had a phone for so long since i ran. they'd fetch me. claw machine girl

hospital down the road. 2nd floor

no excuse for abuse no use for an excuse. the sign where the nurses huddled

abuse. it's no use. it's no use. he said she said. He holy She holy

a kitten and a princess

the breathing slowed. eye of the storm. glassy eyes hers. i choked on my useless breaths

i forgot my cpr. back when i swam

walking down from the bar where we met

i'd nowhere to go

weeks, months, maybe

walking spanish down the alley on cuban heels

down the alley and down to hell 2 witches in the rain

my love for her is not necromantic now

she was a mother mentor and i can't believe

what i've learned and earned and loved and lost

she made me Merlin, into Morgan De Fey

i'd met the fairies and found my name, baby steps

amongst the red dresses and queer eye costumes

i was a boy in a costume then a girl in a dress

i was alone again now.

her breathing stopped as her words rang

hullo hullo? i answered my migraine mind

and she said to me she told me what i needed to hear

beyond the grave we are beyond but dead things

i'm numb right now. it'll hit me later.

tears dried up in the rain

i take her up in my arms. already cold. i'm so cold. cold cold heart

distantly the everpresent city lights spat down on me. wishing for the dark

i wish i could hug her. mutual feeling

i bridesmaid carry her with an unknown strength unnoticed

i was not a boy no more. nevermore

and realise what the raven said. i'm alone again. nowhere to go.

and think of love, found family, and revenge. served cold on a silver platter

She gave me half her dole

coz i had twice her savings

my mummy could buy god

but this friend from so long

sometimes found a little more

and it came from nowhere she said

she let me in when mummy didn't

so i aired my dirty laundry

on the balcony over the pub

a little escape to the student house

quiet as a mouse, no visitors

in the night and the smoke below

her sleepless nights were on a soldier's cot

under weighted blanket and the blues

i slept where i could, with or without her

when i could, frying pan or fire

never the streets said the fear

of God knows what, but I

knew just what to be afraid of